M Allen Story

Long ago, I faced a seriously strong dilemma with my ego. I was so fed up and ready to live a different life that I was ready to take what I called a leap of faith into the complete unknown: a life without the voices. It was at that moment that my ego scream in panic, “No. No. No! I will die if you take the leap!” I literally told my ego, “Fine. I really don’t care if you die. I’m doing this. You can come along and see what happens or stay behind and die. It makes no difference to me.”

I knew ego as the trickster: The coyote. I had been fooled too many times and finally had enough to take action. For me, it was at all costs, even death, that I be freed from the internal prison I’d known all my life. No more being other-directed. No more caring what other people thought about me. No more attachments to the material world. No more listening to the lies presented by the voices. I took the leap. Ego survived and now ego knows that this was a good move for both of us. In my new world, there are other attachments for ego and each of them is spiritually beneficial. -----Sherry Swiney, author of The “That’s a Lie” Program

END OF THE M. ALLEN STORY

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The M. Allen Story
A patient who fully recover from schizophrenia

November 07, 2016

By DrJ / Jerry Marzinsky BA M.Ed.

3/27/02 Psychotherapy session transcript, inmate M. Allen: (Fictitious name to protect inmate’s real identity.)

What have you done that’s good for yourself this week?
Reading and drinking more water, exercising. I got a haircut and went and lay out in the sun for an hour.
Are the fellas saying anything about you doing more positive things for yourself? (Note: I referred to the voices as the “fellas” to this patient).
Not much.
What are they up to?
I still hear them.
How often?
A couple of times a day.
For how long?
About ten minutes at a time.
What are they saying?
Paranoid stuff.
If these things had a goal, what would you think that would be? What do you feel when you hear from them?
Paranoid.
What is the consistent pattern? How do you feel when they first come on?
Curious. I wonder what they are up to. Worried. Anxious.
What do you worry about?
People.
How do your feel before they come?
Good.
Tell me on a scale of 1 to 100, what is good or average for you?
50
How do you feel after the voices attack you?
2
After they leave you feel drained?
Yes.
And where does the energy go?
I don’t know. It goes to hell.
After they leave do you feel physically and emotionally drained?
Yes.
Once you are drained, do they back off?
No, they sit around and laugh at me. They will stay around for hours laughing at me.
That long?
Yes.
When was the last time you let them stay around for hours?
A couple of days ago. They drained me dry, completely dry. They stayed around for half a day. They drained me dry. I went to bed and covered myself up completely. I stayed in bed all covered up for half the day.
Why did you let them stay around for so long?
I was curious as to what happened to them. They were gone for a long time after we talked the last time. I was curious about what they were up to. I thought something might be different now that you showed me a way to get rid of them that worked. I was curious about where they went. They had been company for me for so many years and then suddenly they were gone.
Did you go looking for them?
Yes.
How long did it take for you to call them back?
About 15 minutes.
And what did they say when they came back?
What do you want?
And what did you say?
I asked them, “Who are you?”
And what did they say?
We’ll show you what we are.
Then what happened then?
They started savagely attacking me. It was as if they were mad that I’d gotten rid of them and they were going to get me back. It was the worse attack I’d experienced from them in years. It went on all through the night without let up. They completely drained me, mocked me, called me all kinds of horrible names, told me I didn’t deserve to live and that I was a piece of crap. They laughed at my misery. They kept it up for almost 12 hours. I couldn’t cope. I was so completely exhausted in the morning that I couldn’t move.
Have you ever talked to your mother about these voices?
Yes.

Inmate’s mother is deceased but periodically visited him giving him motherly advice. She contacts him almost daily for a few minutes at a time and says mother type stuff, how to wash clothes, tells him to do positive stuff, she thanked me at one time for helping out her son. She tells him when she feels he is doing something wrong. She only stays 5 – 10 minutes at a time. When I asked her through the patient what she was doing on the other side, she disclosed that she is working as a secretary checking in people who have died into that section of the afterlife. She refused to describe in detail what her surroundings were like. When I posed another question to her, she responded with “Read the Bible. Everything you need to know is in there.” Her personality, affect and the content of her communication with this patient are very much different than the psychotic voices this inmate hears. Her advice is positive and constructive, the exact opposite of the voices. The inmate told me that his mother could chase away some of the weaker demonic voices but she disappeared when some of the stronger ones came around.

And what did she say about these other negative voices that attack you?
She told me they were demons and that I should know that by now, as they have been around all of my life.
What else did she say?
She said that they were trying to drain me of my life energy.
How many times did she tell you this?
Hundreds.
Tell me again about what she said they were trying to do?
Drain me of my life, energy and my freedom.
You knew how they worked. Why in the world did you ever ask them to come back after we worked so hard to get rid of them the first time?
I thought that something might be different. I wanted to know what they were. I was feeling confident that I could keep them under control with what you taught me. I missed them.
Do you think they have minds?
I think they have minds, but they just don’t share any information. They just raid the refrigerator and then leave when it is empty. They change when I use drugs. Different ones come. They shut up when I start using drugs. They tell me that it’s good when I use. They ask what I have been waiting for. After I’m high, they leave me alone for a period of time.
Do you feel drawn to them at times? After all, your mother told you they were sucking you dry. You told me that she told you this hundreds of times yet you still went and looked for them after we had gotten rid of them.
Yes, I feel drawn to them, sometimes strongly.
Kind of like kindred spirits?
Yes.
Well, I can understand your battle. On the one hand you have lived many years on the negative side of life and feel comfortable there with your evil companions. There seems to be a part of you that feels it belongs there. Yet while there with these parasitic voices, they suck you dry of your life and energy so completely that you can’t accomplish anything on this plane of existence. Then you feel guilty for not getting anything done which generates more negative emotional energy which they feed off of. It seems like God put you here for a reason and when you’re being sucked dry by these guys you can’t get on with the purpose or task you were sent here to accomplish.
Yes, that’s exactly how I feel.
Why do you keep going back to find them?
I’m curious about them. Somehow I feel they will change, but they never do. It’s the same negative stuff all the time. They run me down. Tell me I’m worthless and a piece of crap, that I don’t have the right to live and that I should kill myself. It’s the same thing all the time.
You mean they get you upset, drain your energy, run you down, and isolate you from other people through paranoia and telling you that other people are out to get you. When they get you away from contact with other people, then they attack you and drain you dry.
Yes, it repeats itself over and over. Nothing ever changes.
And so you let them beat you up and drain you for close to 12 hours last week and you took it all until you were so depressed that you couldn’t even get out of bed?
Yes.
And what did you do to stop their attacks?
I finally prayed.
And what happened when you prayed?
They eventually went away, but it took much longer… They were very strong this time.
Well, what do you expect, you let them suck you completely dry until you were on the verge of death.
Yes.
I have a question that I want you to think about very carefully after you leave my office: What is the similarity between what these things are doing to you and what we do to milk cows? We’ll talk about that in our next session.

WHY WOULD M. ALLEN SEEK THE HARMFUL?

An insider's point of view

It’s a common phenomenon of the ego that makes us seek the familiar even when it’s bad for us. Ego would rather suffer than not exist at all. The ego itself is not “evil”; it’s just a movement of energy that got created out of delusion – eg. M. Allen was curious about what happened to the voices thinking maybe something had changed (that was the first part of the delusion because these entities never change) and since he’d had them all his life, he missed them (the rest of the delusion). The delusion itself was innocent to begin with but the result was a painfully hard lesson for M. Allen. The ego structure starts creating suffering because of its movement of clinging or attaching to forms. In other words, ego gets its identity through attachments or possessions. Ego feels insecure because it constantly needs validation for its survival so ego thinks it needs attachments to remain alive. M. Allen’s attachment to the voices explains why he thought he missed them. But it wasn’t M. Allen missing the voices. It was M. Allen’s ego.

I've published many anti-psychiatric articles on my Facebook page to alert readers of the dangers these drugs present. In truth my concern is that some individuals are so eaten up with the voices, sometimes hundreds of them, that the only way to reach them is by utilizing the toxic anti-psychotics that psychiatry dishes out. We know that long term use of these anti-psychotic drugs rots out the nervous systems of these patients, so they should only be utilized short term to allow the instillation of the kind of information people like Sherry and I have learned that would allow the patient to carry on his/her battle with new tools that would give them hope and the means to defeat their voices with spiritual help and eventually dump the toxic drugs. Please note that by spiritual I am not referring to religious dogma. Both religious and non-religious people can be very spiritual.

Along those lines, I feel compelled to publish the “M. Allen Story” from my unfinished book so readers can get a real and detailed insight into the mind of one of my patients who had gotten rid of the voices, felt lonely and asked for them to return. This inmate did eventually fully recover and no longer needed anti-psychotic medications.

I feel that if my FB page is sprinkled with a few actual stories which I intend to include in my book, it would bring the material we are talking about to life for readers and those suffering from the voices would be able to completely relate and might start reading some of the other material the FB page contains.

Below is an actual segment of a virtual word-for-word transcript I recorded after a session with this patient. It points out the drama of the struggle he is having with the voices even after getting rid of them. Following the transcript, I asked for Sherry’s comments from an insider’s point of view.